When I was a little girl I used to dream of being something someday. Mind you, my dreams and aspirations have changed along the way but I will never forget the feeling of excitement I got when I thought about my future. Now as a 25 year old, I'm somewhere in between therapist and stylist but nonetheless, I'm sort of set. One thing that comes with the territory of my chosen path is being a social butterfly. The events, being recognized in public, smoozing with very important people, its all part of the process. Glamourous as that might sound, it most certainly comes at a cost. Now, I hardly get really personal on this blog but I felt a nagging need to expose a really vulnerable side of myself. Who knows, this might end up being helpful for someone just passing along or even a chance for me to find some support within this crazy, fast paced, glitz and glamour world.
I have social anxiety. Not something often talked about but its a major part of the way I operate. I never really knew how to explain myself to friends in high school when I'd either get too loud or too quiet in a room full of people. I couldn't understand why I'd start feeling tight chested and choked up either. But there it was, a word to describe what was happening to me and already I felt clearer about it. A little relieved to know it wasn't just me either, that many people could and do feel something similar to what I do. I wasn't crazy, I wasn't alone and I shouldn't be ashamed. And thats part of it, feeling too ashamed to even admit that you're having trouble breathing, trying to keep yourself from shaking or even having trouble getting your thoughts out. Its a painful, scary place to be in. If you're a sufferer, you don't need me to go on with a list of symptoms. I'm certain you've already experienced your fair share of terribly uncomfortable moments.
It kind of goes without saying that as a blogger or any sort of fashion related job, you're going to need to be social. This is probably why I spent forever talking myself out of the role. Taking a step into a full room of people can be one of the most paralyzing actions for me and thats hard to admit. Even now I feel incredibly anxious over making this post. "Will I make a fool out of my admitting this? Are people going to just assume I'm being overdramatic? Oh god I should just delete all of this right now and no one will ever know". Yet here I am, admitting to whoever has the patience to read this, my dirty little secret. Because here's the thing about social anxiety. Its crippling and terrifying but somewhere along the way you've gotta take charge. I'm trying to take charge by admitted something that could both help me and others to be vocal about.