What happens when you’re NOT fat and healthy?

After a recent trip to the doctor, I got the news that my fat body is starting to affect my health. Its not major, its minimal but without acknowledging my current heath it could get worse. I haven’t felt my best in the last little while so it doesn’t come as a surprise. My doctor, God bless her, has never made me feel like my weight was an impending death sentence. She very politely and respectfully told me she suspected my health issue could be a result of my weight but wanted to run other tests to absolutely be certain it wasn’t the cause of something else. In the doctor category, I lucked out. Big time (no pun intended).

After leaving my doctor’s office, I felt strange. Like somehow I have failed myself and my body ¬†for trying to accept myself as a fat person. Maybe I was wrong, maybe they were all right. Maybe I was stupid and in denial for just trying to be fat and happy. I spent the next few days fighting with myself, feeling major guilt and massive regret. I felt embarrassed, too. To the point that I didn’t want anyone to know, not even my parents, because admitting that being fat AND unhealthy is a scary thing. Especially when you fight so hard to prove to others that being fat doesn’t automatically mean you’re going to die.
Being body positive in my world always looked like a fat person with good health. I’ve always been moderately active, I enjoy walking and running and working out from time to time. I enjoy junk food, healthy food and in between food. I’ve never been told my health was an actual problem. I’ve only been told by previous doctors that I could, maybe, one day have an issue because I was obese. I never had to think about loving myself if I was unhealthy. Looking back, I feel like I’ve been doing this whole self love thing wrong. So, what now? What happens now that I am, fat and unhealthy? Do I ignore everything I’ve built for myself these last few years? Am I going to be less deserving of the body positive title if I have to lose some weight? Am I not allowed to love myself, as I am, because my body isn’t functioning entirely as it should be?
Being here, admitting this, writing it out as a potentially public post, is really fucking scary for me. I know that by admitting that I’m one of those unhealthy fat people is opening me up for many, many harsh comments. But here’s the thing, I still think my original message stands true. I still think that fat people deserve to love themselves, bad or good health. I still think that being unhealthy, whatever that might mean, doesn’t mean you gotta ditch trying to love yourself. I wanna love myself, no matter what I look like. I wanna be happy with who I am, even if maybe I’ve made some mistakes along the way. Fat people deserve love. No matter what. You wouldn’t tell someone who smokes that they shouldn’t love who they are because it wouldn’t ever cross your mind. People telling fat folks to lose weight and to hate themselves has never been about being healthy. Its always been about something deeper than that. Its about trying to erase our humanity and dismiss our issues. Its about control and manipulation. Its about money, too. Fat people have always been an easy target and we’ve always stood back and took it because, well, what about our health?
Human beings are human beings are human beings. Even the bad, awful, shitty ones deserve to feel good about who they are because thats our basic human right. I still have a lot of forgiving myself to do but not the reasons you might think. I’m so proud of how much strength I’ve had these past 5 years and how far I’ve come. Am I happy that I’m unhealthy? Nope, not at all. I miss poutine, a lot. But I’ve had a blast loving who I am without apologies to anyone. I’ve loved showing my belly care, love and kindness. I’ve loved being an admirer of my physical appearance instead of a mean bully. And I’ll continue to love caring for myself, being kind to myself and learning to love who I am right now.

2 comments

  1. Rebecca Monson says:

    hi this post really hit me as i am a fat girl and proud and you have helped me love my self and my vbl and i am fat but not healthy but i feel thats ok as i have a genetic condition Ehlers danlos syndrome and i am autistic and have Sensory processing disorder and i have issues from and i try my best to live a healthy life to my best ability. That is all you can do and you can't worry if doctors but you down as i do get that a lot and i mean a lot but i am glad you have a nice doctor that is nice to you. i hope you can find happiness and that might be a different look or style or lifestyle or something you though you were doing right but sometimes we end up find our own right in time i have spent the last 2 years building myself up and getting a wardrobe together and giving my self down time and relaxing and doing my hair and makeup and just looking after myself . I wish you all the best finding your self again.
    rebeccafashionandlife.blogspot.com.au
    becci

  2. cherry vidal says:

    yes! i hear your concerns..i too have been told i have some health issues which mean i have to address my weight! now that i have to adjust my life style doesn't mean i am trying to conform to what society wants nor does it mean i don't appreciate my butt or my gut, instead it means i need to respect my body because it is failing and i owe it to myself (not society) to be able to live life to the fullest…its ultimately about life and being healthy and i feel the fat exceptance community have never been about promoting an unhealthy lifestyle even though some might feel it a contradiction to claim full health while being heavy set but we know you can still be over weight without major health issues #teamhealthycurves….it is all about loving the skin that your in no matter what! so no matter what your new health journey might be, you will always love the skin that you're in because in the end of the day you are more than your body!!!

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